PLAYOFFS EDITION / FB Courtship Pt. 2

Guess my retirement period was longer than the time since my last post...

TIME TO RANT: 

I saw this advertisement on TV the other day, and it got me thinking about something that is very important to me.

Maybe I'm too old-fashioned, but us first generation American-born INDIAN americans seem to be forgetting our roots.

Is it so hard or "uncool" to speak our mother tongues?

Of course I understand that it is harder to do in United States as we balance our culture with the one we live in everyday. But how many of us are truly trying to actually balance them both, versus just letting our immigrant traditions out the window?

I'm not trying to offend anybody just...

Anyways.......

I guess my pseudo-return from retirement has taken a while. sorry guys I've been kinda busy.

I. BS ABOUT MY LIFE THAT YOU CAN SCROLL PAST IF YOU DON'T CARE

A. The number 1 question I've been asked the past few weeks since rotations ended..

"So what do you like DO now that rotations are over?"

1. Sleep

2. Eat

3. Nap

4. Watch Netflix

5. Sleep

6. Ah shit it's 8pm, maybe I'll go to the gym....or I'll just go to...

7. Sleep 

8. Eat Dinner/Pray

9. Sleep

So pretty much a whole bunch of

+

Needless to say....I'm having the time of my life. 

Am I supposed to be studying for the NAPLEX? Allegedly, but as you can see I'm too busy sleeping.

B. My last rotation was with one of my professors and he's a hard-ass. But he was only there for an hour a day, so I had a pretty chill last rotation. 

C. Lent is over. Now I can eat meat like it's nobody's business.

(Quick aside... I don't give up meat to lose weight. I actually gain substantial weight during lent because I end up eating carbs to survive)

D. I graduate in a month....I'm not ready to grow up.

II. START READING HERE IF YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY LIFE

So after my last post, some guys were mad at me. 

"Don't you think guys get courted via FB?...We need tips too" 

Some of these might seem the same, I'll highlight the differences for guys.

DISCLAIMER #1: I only have FB and not IG cuz I'm just not cool enough for it
DISCLAIMER #2: "Have you ever even been courted via FB, why should I Listen?"

;)

;)

Rule #1 (GOLDEN RULE): Do NOT make your profile picture one with another girl OR guy.

a. You're already lucky at this point if a girl is even CONSIDERING courting YOU, so don't make it hard on her. Girls overthink and overquestion things. 

Don't make her have to jump through hoops to figure out if the girl in your picture is related to you OR your girlfriend. Just crop her out.

b. If there's another guy, don't make her have to research whether or not you are gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).

A few months ago my cousins questioned whether I was gay just cuz I don't have a gf

(Thanks guys, I'm trading you guys in the first chance I get...haha jk...kinda)

c. Also, said guy might be more attractive than you. When a girl starts comparing you, it's probably not going to be a winning battle for you. Just crop him out.

d. Just in general, make it as easy as possible for said girl to desire you.

Rule #2: Don't be so damn obvious with showing your cleavage Muscles

a. I get it, you been hittin' the gym real hard bro, but flexin' real hard in a picture (or in life) shows too much desperation. If a girl is working this hard to get you anyways, you shouldn't push her over the edge in thinking your a douchebag also. 

b. Schmedium is cool, but it's gotta fit your torso. If not, that's just a small. The concept of shmedium is that you are swole enough that it fits kinda tight around your arms, but it should fit regularly in your abdomen/torso area. Avoid using such pictures

c. Fine, you really HAVE to have a picture with your muscles? Let it be an action shot or during you playing some kind of sport. Home girl should give you props for atleast trying to hide your desperation in such a way.

See, he's desperate, but...he's also Dancing.

Rule #3: Don't look so drunk in your pictures or with a cigarette..

a. You may think you look cool/cute, but you do NOT.  

HA SCREW U MAVS, GO ROCKETS

b. You young cats just starting college. I get it, you're being rebellious and going to the club and you want the hunnies to know.

Read this shit again in like 4 years....you'll understand how little benefit these will have in your life and you'll be spending your job-seeking years spending time to try and hide said pictures.

(Listen to your elders)

c. Classy is in and ALWAYS will be. Trashy will only work on a select group of guys girls.

d. Go for suits/dressy clothes. A woman wants a man that can provide for her. Not smoke/drink away her money.

Rule #4: If a girl somewhat has interest in you, at the very least give her the time of day

a. She's gone out of her way and tried to figure you out. If you know that and you're at least somewhat interested in her, give her a holler. This might be her way of throwing herself at you

b. If you're not interested at all, it's a more difficult situation, but honesty is the best policy. Let her out of her misery. However if she doesn't get it ...you're in for a ride (stalkerish). 

It's about to be ALL YOUR FAULT

c. Give it a shot because if you don't have a gf, YOUR OWN FREAKIN COUSINS MIGHT QUESTION YOUR SEXUALITY...but it's okay...they can always be traded...

Rule #6: When the time is right, it'll all fall into place

a. be prepared (mentally)

b. be prepared (physically)...more on this later...perhaps 

c. be prepared (spiritually)

(maybe I should get prepared for my boards, heh)

Quick Notes on galz post/general: 

1. Only one person admitted to using my tips

 

let's just say...she been gettin' dudes

2. A few other girls seem to have used my tips, but haven't admitted it (maybe when they're drunk, that's the only time people admit to being my fans)

Rude..

3. I love when girls post pics showing off an aspect of their body, then act all shy when people comment on it. DON'T LIE GIRL, WE ALL KNOW YOU MEANT TO DO IT.

4. I love reading the comments on girls' pictures. half of them are other girls lying (U SO BYOO-TI-FULL GIRLLLl) 

Go back to myspace.

5. Shout out to my random influx of readers from Russia. No More socialism? Maybe it's time I make a visit.

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN (Sooner next time)

In the words of MJ returning from retirement "I'm Back"

Well, I got my new A1C levels checked after 3 months of being away from the blogging game, and decided I'd come back

#NAPLEXTIPS #STUDYING #ROTATIONS

JK I was just helping y'all study with that info.

So...what's been going on since November eh?

TIME FOR A LIST HUH?
1. November, turned 25. I'm Old. But I'll stay young at heart by takin' selfies with important individuals

(That's not really me)

2. December: ended rotation and went straight to India

2a. India, it was hot as hell, but the things that bothered me before (heat, lack of a/c, bigger than your face spiders, bugs all around) did not this time, guess I've grown up. I think I'm going to write a beginner's guide on how to survive in India. Saw some "Foreign" kids bitching and moaning about being in India (it was their first time) and All I could think was...

3. January: Went straight into rotations after India and the new year (kill me). But I'm almost done and just have 1 more rotation to go. Been working on my Fair & Lovely game but I'm not getting fair-er or loveli-er.

BUT ANYWAYS...WHY THE F*C* DID YOU COME BACK YOU CHUBBY BASTARD?

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN...

I guess I left outta nowhere and just told people

BUT, I was intrigued by a question posed to me from a few female friends on various occasions (you better believe I friend zoned them....haaaaaaaaaa, jk they just don't like me)

And Since it's almost Valentine's day, I figured I'd tackle this to give you enough time to find your new boo.

"Groominguru, how do I get guys' attention from FB/IG?" They just seem to pass me by like....

DISCLAIMER: I only have FB and not IG cuz I'm just not cool enough for it

Rule #1 (GOLDEN RULE): Do NOT make your profile picture one with another girl.

The reasons are:

a. It says to guys  "Look I'm not confident enough in myself to post a picture alone"
b. It also says "Look there's not that many pictures of me looking good" which may lead to a guy thinking you might not be that good looking at all period.
c. (This might be the main reason): said friend in your picture might be cuter than you and outshine you in the picture.
d. there might be so many girls you'll just confuse him and he'll go away

Rule #2: Stop bein' so incognito with your pictures

If you really want a guy's attention, he's gonna need to be able to see a few pictures of you to tell if you're somewhat attractive. If he can't even click on your picture to see one, or only one picture and he's on the fence of whether he thinks you're cute or not, HE'S GONNA MOVE TO THE NEXT B.

Just don't be THIS open...

Rule #3: Don't be so damn obvious with showing your cleavage.

a. I SEE YOU GIRL, but so does the rest of the world.
b. We know it's just the angle and they're not that big, who you think you foolin?
c. You wanna be a queen? Act like a damn queen. OBVIOUS cleavage pix=desperate. Nobody wants a  psycho chick.

Rule #4: Don't look so drunk in your pictures or with a cigarette..

a. You may think you look cool/cute, but you do NOT. 

b. Classy is in and ALWAYS will be. Trashy will only work on a select group of guys.

Rule #5: (Kinda goes with #1): Do NOT make your profile picture with another guy

a. Guys are always gonna assume it's yo man, and move on

b. Unless the male in your photo is like a little kid
      i. This might turn guys off because they might think it's your kid (not that there's anything wrong             with that)

c. Even if he's your friend, you don't need that unnecessary attention.

At the end of the day, don't leave guys guessing;  just be subtle and classy:

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE BACK?

Let's just say, when I am needed, I will be there.

Good Luck, galz.

Time flies.....1 year anniversary: Who is the groominguru and how did he get here?

Hey guys, this post is kinda special since it's the one year anniversary. It's been a wild ride eh? It's been a pleasure to make some laugh, give guidance to others, and piss off the rest. 

(I love this fool haha)

I decided to change it up a little and take a look at how I became the groominguru. 

(Faces of others blotted out for confidentiality, etc.)

I. Genetics/Parents

Believe it or not, I'm not even the biggest critic of fashion/grooming in my household. That position goes to....

my mom. 

But i will randomly get her approval on my clothes/hair 

She's nitpicked my fashion choices/hair cuts/beards/eye brows for all these years and for that...

She was rockin the juba tops before it became popular (picture circa '82)

Let's not forget my dad, he moved to Bombay at the age of 17 and brought fashion to his peoples in the South. 

Watch ✔          Belt Buckle ✔         Tie /Tight knot ✔          Hair ✔        Bad Ass 'Stache ✔

II. Birth, the beginning....

 

Started out chinese with sparse hair/eyebrows

Then....BAM

So I was born and grew up in the hood of Houston (Sharpstown, holla) It was a very...urban environment and it was only a matter of time until we got shot up.

Long story short, our cadillac got stolen and we had no other choice but to get up outta there and move on up to the suburbs. 

III. Suburb Life/Fat

It started out like any other 1st generation Indian kid. I had to mix MY culture

With that of the white man

(wassup on that L.A. Gear kicks though?)

What made me so critical of fashion/grooming? I had alot of female influences in my life. Along with my mom, and my neighbor chechys that babysat me......I had 11 (ELEVEN) female first cousins.

(Yes those are all girls, and I'm the only guy...so you can see that I had to listen to girl talk all day)

Anyways, life in the suburbs was different. I wasn't running for my life from goons and I was drinking alot of Whole milk. Needless to say, I started one of my gluttony phases. 

I got fatter.....

And fatter.....

And even fatter... 

I was starting to look like our (former) boy....Screw you Parsons!

Needless to say, I wasn't into fashion because All I could fit into was HUSKY

IV. Mayonnaise and Salt

Age 13

If you've read my previous posts, you might remember that I started shaving in the 7th grade. This led to the "Mayonnaise and Salt" Phenomenon.

I guess i was always a BS'er. I had grown facial hair so early, my peers wanted to know my secret as to how I grew it. So one random day on AIM I started telling my friends I smothered my face with mayonnaise and salt to grow hair. I'm not sure where I got this from, but it just seemed like a potent hair growing formula.

Needless to say some friends and classmates tried this...to no avail (sorry if I made you break out).

This was probably when I first started being consulted on grooming. 

V. Weight Loss/Beard precision. 

It was during my first year of college after the first semester ('circa 2009) that I decided I wanted to lose weight. I cut out alot of fatty foods/drinks that were detrimental to my life and weight. I pulled a "Schmidt" from New Girl...

And evolved into a precise goatee producing machine

and even experimented 

(one whole side of this beard is eyeliner...can you guess which side?)

But I wasn't Done...

I started to grow out my beard

And eventually molded it into what it is today.

What was my motivation? Health, People calling me fat, and to be able to fit into normal sized clothes. 

VI. Groominguru/Douchebag Perception

And now, here we are. Most people know I'm joking almost all the time. Others think I'm condescending/high maintenance.

I'm just saying what other people are thinking, while spreading some knowledge I have gained through practice. 

I only shave once for the weekend, the rest of the time I'm bummin....

There's a fine line between being cocky and confident. Be confident and be all that you can be. 

I'm really not a douchebag 

You can take the boy outta the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto outta the boy...

(If you're my friend on snapchat, you know I send stuff like this for fun)

I guess I'm just a hipster.

                                   

VII. "Can you teach my boyfriend how to shave like you?"

Usually I say no because even though I'm not attracted to these girls that are "commited" to their said boyfriend who doesn't even know how to shave (get yourself an upgrade girl ;) ) ...I just refuse to be friend-zoned.

THAT BEING SAID...alot of my guy friends have also wanted video of how to shave...so as a gift for being loyal fans for the past year, and this being my last post I leave you guys with this gift...

VIII. Peace Out

If you've taken nothing away from my posts I leave you with 3 pearls:

A. I hope I leave you with the desire to put yourself in the best position to succeed (Look good, feel good, do good).

B. Enjoy the path that life takes you on. Take the blows and make the most of every situation. Don't be afraid to try new things.

C. Pray hard, pray often (even if things are going well), and pray with conviction. If you don't believe in prayer just "put your mind to" specific goals until you attain them. Know what you want and don't settle for anything less. 

                                                            It's been a helluva ride guys

But I bid my fans, foes, and everyone in between farewell.